i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
