K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
