Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I smell like Dick and happiness
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
