I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
