if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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