last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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