Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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