when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize