with your own penis?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
