We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
