just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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