i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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