It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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