Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
