there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
