I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
