for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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