I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
