Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just gargled with NyQuil
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