I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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