I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He passed out mid-signature
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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