wrigley field is MILF paradise
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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