this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
