My sheets look like a crime scene.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize