What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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