her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize