I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So much rum. So many feels.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
