If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
