my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
