all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize