im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
