He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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