Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
