So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My bed smells like the plague
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