I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
