Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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