I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Someone came in the potted fern
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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