I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
