A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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