I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
