just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
