It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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