final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
