All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
