Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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