Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
