Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
