i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
