I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sext me about skeletons
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
