i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
