I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
