So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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