I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
