His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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