If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
