I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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