Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize