It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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