upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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