Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
