biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
