do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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