Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
did i just pee glitter
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
