Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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