I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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