she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
