??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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