I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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