Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
