Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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