She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
