if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
