i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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