We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
